What you are about to read is insane – it is absolute insanity. What follows is a real exchange that happened between a crazed tenant and a frustrated landlord who at times clearly crossed the line. The exchange between tenant and landlord comes from the professional property management company that once had that landlord as a client and is now “happy to say the client is a former client these days.” Yes, you got it, the mad landlord was released by the property management company on his own pledge. Names have been changed and personal information removed to “protect the innocent” if there is any innocence in this mess.
You will laugh your “ass” when you read this exchange, or maybe you will cry. You just can’t create stuff like that. It is a rare “gem” for sure. Take my advice, don’t try this at home.
Owner: As usual your emails are long and unnecessary, Martin, but as you wish, here are your answers.
- Claim number one: the broken toilet
Tenant: The toilet bowl is broken, you understand? It’s cheap plastic. Wednesdays may be possible to resolve this issue, but the worker should call me today or Tuesday at the latest. 555-555-5555 is my new cell.
Owner: It’s a plastic “SEAT”, not a bowl. You do DO NOT need to replace the toilet, only the plastic cover – hinge that broke. I couldn’t help but wonder why are you the only one with a broken hinge? I will pass on your availability to the worker. They are closed now. You need to confirm the date and time, so I can advise them. I’ll give them your cell phone number as well.
Tenant: Ok… a plastic SEAT… I don’t know John. I close the toilet like any other person – it’s just the hinge – the toilet itself works great… probably getting fixed for under $ 3.00… a plastic rod should do it. I MAY be able to operate on Wednesdays, but I don’t know yet. Friday would be better, but ask him to call me tomorrow please – thank you.
- Complaint number two: the night light is off
Tenant: The pilot light of the radiator goes out in summer because it is very hot on the second floor and for safety reasons. In addition, the guy from the Southern California Gas Company turned it off because the model is no longer allowed without cross ventilation.
Owner: The gas tanker came, because of your call to turn off the pilot. What do you mean by cross ventilation?
Tenant: You can do it with Southern California Gas Company – it has nothing to do with me. I expect the heating unit situation to be fully returned no later than September or sooner. I will NOT pay rent without a working furnace in the fall. Easy solution? Fix it because it was supposed to be fixed before I even moved… again Southern California Gas Company said that and yes they left you some paperwork. PLEASE see the images below. He came as usual and finally said “no more”… the SIDE VENTS on the HEATER are NOT protruding from the wall… the entire unit has been pushed INTO THE WALL and SEALED as such. Basically, this type of model is supposed to come out of the wall two inches or so so that air can escape or enter it from the side … I personally don’t care … the radiator is running in 2018 … but now the guy said it is a new policy from the Southern California Gas Company – again I have paperwork for you and even included photos for your convenience.
- Complaint number three: tenant’s new cell phone
Tenant: My new cell is 555-555-5555. Yes, a LOCAL NUMBER… Please program it (into your phone) and let me know how to use it. Thanks ☺ Do it soon. Thank you.
- Complaint number four: noise complaints
Tenant: I don’t know what the neighbors are specifically complaining about – I can hear them blowing up a movie or music too but I don’t say anything. Of course, I can make a more conscious effort to maintain it after hours. I hope they do the same.
Owner: I try to be discreet and do not to say it. But, with your insistence, your stronger sex could be heard, for you are probably too aroused to even be aware of it. I lived in a 3-storey apartment with 92 units. complex with an echoing courtyard. The majority of tenants in the building know when the 3rd The upstairs tenant had sex because all of us from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor could hear her loud voice of arousal in the middle of the night. Somehow, her gender is the only one we can hear out of the 92 units.
Tenant: I am a 34 year old single male. I have the right to have sex in my apartment – nobody’s business and I personally find it very offensive. But of course I’ll try to keep it low. It’s not my fault that women like to experience pleasure with me, and in fact, I think that’s a good thing. People would be less angry if they had a better sex life. Side note: I’ve heard other people having sex in the building – either coming home at night or taking out the trash. We are all human and live very close. It happens – just like in the building you lived in.
- Complaint number five: Recycle bin under the mailbox
Tenant: It’s ridiculous. I never left a garbage can under the mailbox. Of course I left some trash outside my door for maybe 15-20 minutes or less before I left for the day and so take it in the trash, but I won’t leave it unattended. And for hours? Days? No! Who is telling you this nonsense? I only put empty water bottles or the occasional empty wine bottle in blue recycling. Everything else I throw in the trash. It’s cute that the city of LA complained about trash in a blue bin… but that had nothing to do with me.
Owner: We have pictures of it. You are not allowed to put down your trash bag as a wet bag could stain the floor and attract insects.
Tenant: I’m glad to hear you have pictures of a garbage bag… It must be nice to have so much free time. Wet? No… if a garbage bag is even a little WET… it went straight down to the garbage… I have to walk, relax and live here too… so why would I want a messy place? And yes, I hate bugs so trust me… I’m a clean dude with a clean place. To be honest, probably your cleanest male tenant.
- Claim number six: the doormat
Tenant: It’s a doormat. Literally, a doormat. If the home inspector cannot negotiate a doormat on the ground … in front of a door...he should probably find another job. And I doubt that a doormat will cost a person their life… you’re kidding, right?
Owner: A trip hazard means that a person could slip or fall walking on your unsecured doormat (especially when it’s dark) while trying to run for your life in the event of fire, earthquake or natural disaster, with the building falling. Those few seconds or a minute of delayto cause their death in a collapsing building. Laws were made to save lives because something bad had happened before. Sorry, it’s not a joke to die needlessly.
Tenant: If the building breaks down… everyone is probably dead. I doubt the doormat is a deciding factor.
- Complaint number seven: distorted screens
Tenant: The screens are warped and to be frank – this old building needs to be electrically washed, but I doubt you will shell out the money. In addition, the neighboring construction –which is 6 days a week by the way and stronger than God ever wanted –is responsible for most of the garbage that falls on the wall by the workers who don’t care, or the wind blows it on our driveway etc. I think you have no idea how lucky you are that “we” current renters including myself have actually stayed here. 7h00 (I hear) BAAAM! BAAAM! This continues until 7:00 p.m. at night. 6 days a week. It is beyond terrible.
Owner: I am very sorry for what everyone has to go through. The property management company tried to get hold of the neighboring construction manager. I don’t know if they finally got to talk to them.
Tenant: Respectfully, it’s not a real effort… you don’t even know if they’ve spoken with them… great. In fact, I bet they barely followed.
Owner: Do you know there are three phone numbers on the side of the construction fence to CALL and complain? How about taking a pic of THAT instead of TRASH and calling them to complain about the hard nails (yes sharp nails) landing on the driveway.
Tenant: I am amazed that no one has had a flat tire yet. I see them on the floor when I go to do the laundry. And I pick them up and throw them in the trash to be nice. This noise is so bad John – you have no idea. There is an air compressor, then music while working. There are SAWS. HAMMERS, etc…. I can’t wait for them to finish the construction. WARNING – if they break the ground to build on the empty LOT next to us… on the other side of the building. I LEFT!!! And your other tenants too… believe me… if they build there, it will literally be against our rooms… and a huge building no doubt with guaranteed noise for over a year. How do I know? Because the building across the street was under construction when I moved in here on March 1, 2018 and this building is STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION. Look at the photo. They have already started bulldozing the empty lot on the RIGHT FACING our building.
Owner: LATEST – why are you still emailing me like you did in 2018? This was before I hired the property management company.
Tenant: You don’t pay them? Should they contact me? What is the point of paying them if you plan to do their work for them? Why should I bother to request maintenance with them (the management company) if YOU are answering? I have no more time for this conversation. Cheers